Alright. Enough is enough, I can’t believe people are still arguing. I never thought I’d do this but…
Deconstruction time.
“Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE.”
Was there any need for the capital letters here? That’s instantly annoying and unnecessary.
“After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise.”
Wow, was “ominous” your favourite word that day? Perhaps you’d benefit from a thesaurus.
“After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer’s attacks and bravely tells his story.”
Your apostrophe in “killers” is in the wrong place. They’re the attacks belonging to the killer. “The Killers’ attacks”. You’ve written “he survived one of the killer is attacks.
“I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night,” says the boy, “I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep.”
How old is this young boy? Most people say “I got into into bed.” Not your freaky kid though, he crawls under covers which incidentally is a term I’ve always hated. No one crawls under the covers.
“That’s when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren’t regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes.”
Another use of ominous except this time it’s being said by a child.
“They were bordered in black and… just plain out terrified me. That’s when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.”
This isn’t scary, we know that the child survived because he’s telling the press about his story of survival. This means that there is no tension built up. It’s just boring and feels like a story lengthener as opposed to relevant for the story.
““He said, ‘Go To Sleep.’ I let out a scream, that’s what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me.”
Again, if we didn’t know the child with a vocabulary far more advanced than his years was going to survive this might be good. Instead it feels boring and like you’re just trying to make your story longer. I also hate it when a story plunges you straight into action. All of my favourite stories have a slower build up. This allows you to imagine the characters and the location.
“That’s when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad’s shoulder. The man probably would’ve finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn’t alerted the police.”
How did the neighbour know to alert the police? Did the little boys Mother rush over there and inform them. Did they hear the commotion etc. These are little things I feel should be explained in a story that’s as well followed as this one.
““They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head.””
Pyschotic as a description is very clichéd and again slightly outside the normal vocabulary for a child.
“Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.”
I think the police would reiterate the description and they’d also probably produce a photo fit. I bet it’d be a better drawing than the crappy photoshopped picture at the bottom of your story.
“Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those “fancy” neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn’t complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.”
Blimey, there’s nothing totally wrong with this paragraph. It should’ve been at the start of the story but I can’t mock it any more than that.
““Hello,” she said, “I’m Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son.” She turns around and calls her son over. “Billy, these are our new neighbors.” Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard.”
That was riveting.
““Well,” said Jeff’s mom, “I’m Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu.” They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son’s birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.”
What sort of weirdo would invite complete strangers to her son’s birthday party. I live on a beautiful island that’s relatively crime free. We wouldn’t be that forward and weird with our new neighbours.
““Mom, why would you invite us to some kid’s party? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not some dumb kid.””
Why would it matter if Jeff could speak or not? Okay, I’m being pedantic.
There was another boring section here. It was reasonably well written though so I didn’t see the point in mocking it.
“He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling.”
Sexual healing… why would anyone sit down staring at the ceiling?
“Not so much a pain, but… a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random feeling. He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.”
Fair enough. I suppose he is a teenager, he’ll get used to those feelings in time. I suppose it was the thought of being invited to Billys’ birthday party.
“The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school.”
I hate these sort of sentences. They’re so pointless. It just seems like you wanted a long story so you put in these sentences to fill space. I don’t care if he walked down stairs. You could’ve just explained that he got another boner at the breakfast table. That’s fine.
“As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it.”
Oh good lord. You’re definitely talking about erections aren’t you.
“As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. “Hey, what the hell?””
How did the kid on the skateboard get enough height to jump over two people. Considering the fact that they’re both male they’d be sitting with their legs slightly apart and would be sitting far enough away that they wouldn’t touch each other. Were they sitting on the floor or on a bench?
“The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.”
Wow, look out ladies and gents we’ve got a twelve year old badass on our hands. This story would be somewhat more believable if the characters were a little bit older.
““Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat.””
Oh no, Jeff gets his erections at awful times doesn’t he! Then again at that age I didn’t have a lot of control either.
“Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge.”
Wow, good descriptive writing there.
““Well, since you’re new here, I’d like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith.” Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have.”
Yes, I always think that when I see people. Oh look at his droopy face, he must be a sidekick. I think this because I am the f*cking king of idiocy.
““And he’s Troy.” They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn’t exercised since he was crawling.”
Oh wow, let’s all stereotype the fat kid.
““And I,” said the first kid, “am Randy.”
We guessed that from his opening line.
There was nothing wrong with the sentence about bus fares. I removed it from here for that reason.
“Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid’s eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him.””
They’re twelve years old. What sort of twelve year old carries a knife? This is stupid keeps ringing through my head.
““Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way.” The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket.”
Wow, he must be good at that. I struggle to remove my own wallet sometimes and this kid can just do it without Liu even struggling. Oh right yeah, twelve year olds with knives. How silly of me to forget something like that.
“Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid.”
Oh no! Not the erection again!
““Listen here you little punk, give back my bro’s wallet or else.” Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.”
Oh great another knife. What’s scrawny little Jeff going to do?
““Oh? And what will you do?””
Hah, great minds and all that.
“Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose.”
Oh good lord, he just doesn’t stop does he.
“As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid’s wrist and broke it.”
How did he break it? You need to describe this. Are you getting lazy.
“Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick.”
In what way did they rush him. How did he avoid them? These are things I’d like to know. I don’t give a sh*t if Jeff walked down stairs to have breakfast. I do care about something that is a major game changer.
“He threw Randy to the ground.”
Again, no descriptive narration to explain how Jeff through him the ground.
“Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming.”
Yes as I expect you would do if you were twelve. That’s what makes this whole thing so stupid. They’re twelve f*cking years old and they’re playing stabby stabby with a few knives. Who thinks this sh*t up? It’s like a blackhole formed and swallowed logic and reasoning up.
“Troy rushd him too, but Jeff didn’t even need the knife.”
There’s that stupid “rushed” word again. I assume it’s some form of slang where you live. It certainly isn’t where I live. If I rushed something it means I didn’t do a good enough job or I moved quickly. I think the only person who rushed Jeff here is the author. That would certainly explain the sheer stupidity of this surprisingly overused (not just Jeff) premise.
“He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. As he fell, he puked all over.”
All over what? Troy is the fat kid right? So Jeff punched the fat kid in the stomach. I’m amazed he felt it.
“Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.”
Oh god, incest.
““Jeff how’d you?””
Yes indeed Jeff, how’d you?
“that was all he said.”
Wow, I’m really getting a feel for his character now.
“They saw the bus coming and knew they’d be blamed for the whole thing.”
Well yes. Jeff stabbed a bunch of twelve year olds and made one of them “puke all over”.
“So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others.”
Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush ominous rushing rusher rushing rushly rush ominous rush.
“As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn’t dare tell what happened.”
Tell who what happened? Badly written sentence. I think they’ll be caught out. The “bullies” saw them do it, then a bus turned up. Did none of the children on the bus see two boys sprinting away from the scene of the crime? I put bullies in quotation marks because Jeff appears to be more of a bully than them. They’re a year younger than him and he just stabbed them all and made the fat one puke.
“All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more.”
Pardon? Wahey, ding, ding, ding, ding. Another incoherent sentence. Congratulations.
“It was something, scary.”
Woah, I’m feeling all tense now.
“As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone.”
There you see, bully. To the imbecile who claims that Jeff stands up to the bullies and “makes everything beautiful” he has an urge to hurt random people. He doesn’t sound very pleasant to me.
“He didn’t like how it sounded, but he couldn’t help feeling happy.”
What, did he fart?
“He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school.”
What? So it went and didn’t come back for the day? Did it keep coming and going? Incoherent sentence numero trois.
“Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn’t be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy.”
What? Another incoherent sentence but I thought this was a f*cking masterpiece.
“When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, “It was a wonderful day.””
Yay! There’s that word again I was wondering when it was going to make another appearance.
“Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.”
Yes because it took a whole day for fatty, droopy and horny to inform the authorities of the fact that they got stabbed. It also took a whole day for a bus driver and bus load of people to do the same.
““Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn’t regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!””
She doesn’t sound as distraught as my Mother would be in that situation. She says that pretty calmly and smoothly considering that she’s just found out that her son is a stabby little f*cker.
“Jeff’s gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true.”
Yes because when I look at the floor it means I’m being honest and it has nothing to do with avoiding dog sh*t.
““Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu.””
Yeah, like anyone would believe that. They’re twelve!
““Son,” said one of the cops,” We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene.”
So the police found them? The bus driver just drove off presumably.
“Now, what does that tell us?” Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn’t say that they weren’t fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn’t defend himself or Liu.”
Thanks for explaining that to me. I didn’t have the intellect to figure this very simple story out for myself.
Nothing overly wrong with the sentence that was here.
““Sir, it…it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn’t stop me.” The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.”
So Liu has come down stairs now then?
““Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy…””
A year? For stabbing people. A f*cking year? I don’t think the cop passes out the sentences anyway, they do that in court.
““Wait!” says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.”
Oh Jesus Christ. Welcome to America. Teenager with a kitchen knife, shoot him! What do the police think he’s going to do? Stab everyone in the house with a knife then carve into his own face. That would be a stupid idea for a story.
““It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it.” He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.”
Where did the cuts and bruises come from?
““Son, just put the knife down,” said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.”
Naww, he’s a good little boy.
I took out this sentence as there was nothing wrong with it.
““Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away.” The police led Liu out to the patrol car.”
So Liu showed no reaction at all, not even a tear?
““Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!” Jeff’s mother put her hands on his shoulders.”
I think in reality, they’d arrest both kids until they got to the bottom of it. Both children would require a pyschiatric assessment etc. Huge oversight by the author here.
“Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff’s dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff’s face and knowing something was wrong.”
So what, the Mother didn’t even phone Daddy to inform him of the terrible happening. Oh don’t worry about it Jeff’s Dad. Your sons are just a bit stabby, we’re hoping it’s a phase.
““Son, son what is it?” Jeff couldn’t answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff’s mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway.”
Sounds like a puss*.
“After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed.”
Good accurate portrayal of their emotions, well done. Was Jeff just weeping on his own in the driveway for an hour? His parents may be “shocked sad and disappointed but they’re still parents and they still have a duty of care to their Son.
“He couldn’t look at them. He couldn’t see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind.”
Yeah that’s good, just go to sleep.
“Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.”
A couple of days after her Son is arrested she’s smiling with a “sunshiny” face.
““Jeff, it’s the day.” she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.”
It’s the day? I thought she’d wake him at night time.
““What, what’s today?” asked Jeff as he stirs awake.
“Why, it’s Billy’s party.” He was now fully awake.
“Mom, you’re joking, right? You don’t expect me to go to some kid’s party after…” There was a long pause.”
I actually agree with Jeffs’ logic. I think most people probably would.
““Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed.””
After an occurrence like this you’d have to be an extremely hard and resilient person to want to go to a party.
“Jeff’s mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself.”
Again, I don’t care if she went downstairs.
“He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid’s party?”
They’re not thinking straight Jeff, they’ve just learned that one of their Sons is a stabby bastard.
This was all boring. I really cannot be arsed to read an argument about which clothes to wear.
I’m going to delete sentences that are reasonably well written. Otherwise this is going to be hideously long.
“Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.”
That sounds like a typical description of a kids party. Except it sounds as though the author is a whiny idiot. What’s weird about cowboy outfits?
““Ah, no kid. I’m way too old for this stuff.” The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face.”
What’s weird about a puppy dog face?
““Pwease?” said the kid. “Fine,” said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun.”
Oh so he’s finally acting a bit closer to his age. Congratulations to author for realising that thirteen year olds aren’t typically violent stabby bastards.
“It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu.”
Yes, a few days later. It’s not exactly months later is it? I think that’s an unbelievable recovery. So unbelievable that it’s actually just stupid.
“So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards.”
Oh good, they got better quickly. They were stabbed and punched (till they puked) just a few days prior to this. Another remarkable recovery. Must be something in the water.
“Randy got an angry look in his eyes. “Oh no, I don’t go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today.” As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff.”
Oh no, another “rushed” fighting scene.
“They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.”
Oh Jesus Christ. Now they’ve got guns. What are the parents doing? Just running out the house or are they trying to remove their children from harms way? Where are Jeffs’ parents?
““No one interrupts or guts will fly!” they said. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.”
Why not just shoot him? This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid. Twelve year olds with guns is ridiculously unrealistic and verging on hilarity. I don’t think this is what the author was aiming for.
“Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Randy started kicking him in the face. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Randy to fall to the ground.”
So even after he got stabbed in the shoulder he has the strength to do this? Do you not what your shoulder is made of? It’s all muscle, bone and ligaments, a knife going through these things would render it pretty much useless. I also doubt that a twelve year old would have the strength to do this.
“Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Troy grabbed him.”
So he just walked off? Where are his parents while all this has happened?
““Need some help?” He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Randy repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood.”
So now he’s been stabbed, thrown through a window and kicked to the point where he has internal bleeding. He’d be dead. Throwing someone through a window is extremely likely to kill them despite what you see in the movies. He’d die from the internal bleeding as well.
““Come on Jeff, fight me!” He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff’s head.”
Yep he’d definitely be dead. If he wasn’t dead he’d certainly be unconcious long before any of this happened.
““Come on Jeff, look at me!” Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. “I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you’re just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!” Jeff starts to get up.”
His brother would be put away for longer than a year. The police think he stabbed people. Jeff would be incapable of standing up.
““Oh, finally! you stand and fight!” Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn’t felt for a while. “Finally. He’s up!” says Randy as he runs at Jeff.”
So he’s excited that Jeff is up then. He appears to have repeated himself. That’s good he’s running at Jeff instead of rushing him now.
“That’s when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground.”
How would he ever have the strength to do this? He wouldn’t have the strength to do this if he were 100%. This quote serves this well; “all rational thinking is gone”.
“He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy’s heart to stop.”
Really? Would you like my email address. I could give you a quick crash course in understanding the human anatomy. I could also explain in detail how a thirteen year old wouldn’t have this sort of strength especially after being killed three times in one fight.
“As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy’s body, until he takes one final breath, and dies.”
So what are the parents doing while he is killing someone?
“Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith.”
Oh right. They’re just watching. I can view them now. Standing a few feet away eating popcorn. The kids are in the splash zone getting drenched in all the blood that’s flying about the place. Why didn’t fatty and droopy save horny?
“Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see’s the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs.”
Why didn’t they shoot him when he was killing their friend? This is stupid.
“As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing.”
I imagine that they would miss. They’re twelve the recoil from their guns probably broke their little fingers.
“Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind.”
I can’t imagine fatty is very quick up the stairs though.
“As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.”
Oh good back to the very slightly less ridiculous twelve year olds with knives.
“A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf.”
Yeah I deleted a bit. A thing of bleach? A bottle, a container etc. Very lazily written.
“It burnt both of them and they both started to scream. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could.”
Jeff would be blinded by the bleach. It would also enter his body quite quickly. At his young age that could lead to death.
“He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith’s head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile.”
For f*ck sake. There’s that word again.
““What’s so funny?” asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on.”
Why does the twelve year old have a lighter? How did he manage to conceal a knife, a gun and lighter? This story is stupid. It’s ridiculous, it’s unrealistic and is probably the most overrated thing on the internet.
““What’s funny,” he said, “Is that you’re covered in bleach and alcohol.” Jeff’s eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the alcohol had made him a walking inferno.”
He’s dead again.
“He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That’s when he passed out.”
He’d be dead. Four times in one fight Jeff would’ve died. This is so stupid that it’s incomprehensible how anybody could actually enjoy this.
“When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn’t see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.”
It just fell out? They didn’t put the cannula in properly then.
““I don’t think you can get out of bed just yet.” she said”
I think he just did though despite the fact that he’d be dead.
“Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.”
Most parents would be there until their child woke up. No wonder this invincible thirteen year old is so f*cked up.
““Honey, are you okay?” she asked. Jeff couldn’t answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. “Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go.””
There are no repurcussions for Jeff then? He murdered Fatty, Droopy and Horny.
“Jeff’s mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes.”
Jeff is mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. Beautifully written.
Jeff’s mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff’s dad stare awe-struck at his face.
Did they not try any reconstructive work at all? In reality they would. Another flaw in this supposed masterpiece.
““What? What happened to my face?” Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It…it’s horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.”
Brilliant descriptive work. I can almost picture him now. Do you realise this is the first proper description of a character apart from; Fatty, Droopy and horny. Even then their descriptions were vague at best.
““Not that bad?” said Jeff,” It’s perfect!” His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching.”
But they didn’t think about taking him to see a pychiatrist?
““Okay? I’ve never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa,”
This is supposed to be a serious story. You’re not chatting with your friends. hahahahahahaha is irritating.
“What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn’t know.”
So they didn’t watch him kill three people? They didn’t see his hand and eye twitching (everyone knows that’s an obvious sign of mental illness). You didn’t need to explain he had lost his sanity. Don’t assume your readers are idiots. Although actually on this occasion it appears that most are.
“Doctor,” said Jeff’s mom, “Is my son… alright, you know. In the head?”
Finally she asks.
““Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn’t change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we’ll give him a psychological test.””
He sounds like a sh*t doctor.
““This is what came in,” said the lady at the desk. Jeff’s mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff’s mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.”
Why would the hospital stich his clothes together? They were on fire, there wouldn’t have been much left. Did his Mother not think to bring clothes down. You’ve clearly never had a sick relative. Either that or you’re too young to have had to help out.
“Later that night, Jeff’s mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.”
Oh the classic part of the story, it’s a good job there is no idiocy involved in this. He’d pass out.
““Jeff, what are you doing?” asked his mother.”
Calm as ever. Oh don’t worry Jeff’s Mum, he’s just carving a smile into his face.
“Jeff looked over to his mother. “I couldn’t keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Jeff’s mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.”
Okay, this is stupid.
““I couldn’t see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face.””
As many people have pointed out in the past. Jeff would go blind. Your eyelids are there to protect your eyesight.
“Jeff’s mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. “What’s wrong mommy? Aren’t I beautiful?”
I think a normal parent would just break down and cry there and then.
““Yes son,” she said, “Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face.” She ran into the room and shook Jeff’s dad from his sleep. “Honey, get the gun we…..””
Good lord. You phone an ambulance or the police if you’re that concerned. Getting a gun so you can kill your own son is absurd.
“Mommy, you lied.” That’s the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them.”
I assume he didn’t get the gun in time then.
There was a whole paragraph here detailing how Jeff killed his brother. It was boring and unnecessarily long.
““Shhhhhhh,” Jeff said,”Just go to sleep.””
The corniest and most boring catch phrase in history. It’s horrible and clichéd.
The picture at the end. Poor photoshop skills, it’s not remotely scary and looks somewhat humerous.
3/10 for reasonable writing skills. I wouldn’t say this was that well written. Most of it is absolutely ridiculous. It’s unrealistic and full of annoying little errors. The use of a thesaurus would’ve helped (rushed, ominous). You’d also benefit from learning about the human body.
Derp, I apologise for the length of this but I felt that it was necessary. I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for doing this but hopefully it might make a few people wake up and realise that Jeff the Killer is crappypasta personified.
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